Fence sitting is a very uncomfortable occupation. Still, someone has to do it, else there’d be no wise men commenting impartially in our media. After all, impartiality (that’s posh for fence sitting) is still highly praised, at least officially. It fills newspaper columns and TV programme minutes, and Whitehall Mandarins can tell their young Special Advisers or SpAds to take note and learn.

Sadly, the days of fence sitting are coming to an end. Not because it’s so uncomfortable for the poor fence sitters – it is, after all, a highly skilled albeit painful occupation and thus well paid – but because for a strange, as yet unidentified reason, fence sitters are turning into Humpty Dumpties.

Well, we do know, do we not, what happened to poor old Humpty Dumpty, and we may be forgiven if we find the spectacle of professional fence sitters turning into Humpty Dumpties and taking a great fall rather hilarious!

So what and who is the cause for this extraordinary event?

Having taken a long hard look and having done some extensive, secret research, I’ve come up with an explanation. The cause turning fence sitters into Humpty Dumpties is the EU Referendum. It’s true.

Look at them all now lying on the ground … not that nowadays there are even sufficient Queen’s men (and women – gotta be gender conscious these days!) to put them together! And forget about horses: that would be animal cruelty and anyway, there aren’t any. Armoured vehicles aren’t really up to that job and even if the First Service could do it, there aren’t enough ships. The poor things have to fish poor refugees, commonly known as migrants, out of the seas nowadays – what a come-down, after fighting pirates and slavers, never mind real wars …

If you think that the EU Referendum cannot possibly be a sufficient cause for the demise of fence sitters, you’d be right. There are some very nasty people around who are helping to get rid of fence sitters, especially the professionally nasty ones.

I’ve done my research, and I can tell you now, in confidence, that there’s a cluster of them hiding out in Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street. It’s true. They are hiding in plain sight.

No – of course not our esteemed Prime Minister and Chancellor, how could you think that! No, they wouldn’t dirty their hands. After all, having clean hands is most important for them to do their important jobs!

No, they’ve outsourced that job to a bevvy (or is it horde?) of young, impressionable ‘advisers’ who are secretly beavering away in some underground rooms to write letters to the most important fence sitters.

I have not found out yet if they are using other magic, but letters so far seem to work well, certainly on the top army generals who’ve turned into Humpty Dumpties before our eyes and fallen off their walls.

But that wasn’t a sufficiently impressive spectacle, because one or two of those generals – whose job description includes being strong fence sitters – not only resisted that magic, they spoke about it.

Oh dear …

So stronger measures were needed and taken.  The poor little backroom boys now took to writing speeches – and whoa, that worked spectacularly well!

Who can forget the parade of Humpty Dumpties: the great foreign presidents and heads of state, all official fence sitters by profession when it comes to the politics of this, our country! From a president of the USA all the way across the globe to that of Japan: how they magically turned and tumbled off the wall!

Yeah verily – keeping us inside the EU, making us shiver with fright and vote ‘Remain’ is a sufficiently high prize to forget that, once fallen off the wall, there’s no coming back …

But some did resist that siren call to get off the fence, get on the wall and fall off. That resistance showed the unsuspecting observers that something was going on here, that this wasn’t natural, that there was some illness afflicting all those fence sitters. So some nosey parkers like me kept our eyes open and ears and noses to the ground.

Lo and behold – the bevvy or horde of secret workers in No 10 and 11 Downing Street now took desperate measures.  (No, not Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne – of course not, don’t even think that, how very dare you! That’s not their job – clean hands, remember?)

The next occurrence of that magic of making Humpty Dumpties has just taken place before our very eyes: all the money men, from our own Bank of England director to the ever so elegant fence-sitting Madame Lagarde of that International Monetary Fund and various other heavyweights in that EU capital Brussels in between: all fallen off the wall, all broken to pieces on the ground, never to be put together again …

I confess I do like watching all those Humpty Dumpties falling and breaking into pieces. It is a very funny picture, and I do like having a laugh every day.

Something those people zealously beavering away in the dark basements at No 10 and 11 Downing Street don’t understand is that they should’ve left well alone. Fence sitting is an old and honourable profession, even a job requirement. Humpty Dumpties however make us laugh. That laughter gets louder the more they strive.

So let’s laugh out of court their endeavour to frighten us into voting ‘Remain’. That’s why we’ll give them the Agincourt sign and vote ‘LEAVE’ on June 23rd.

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