One Turkey weighing a minimum of 2.067 Kg plus 0.356 Kg per person consuming it [1][2][3][17]

25g of Streaky Bacon Rashers per person [4]

50g of “Newmarket Sausage” meat per person [5]

25g of dry stuffing per person

1 medium egg per person [6]

83.65g of Plain Flour per person [7]

29.4 ml of semi-skimmed milk per person

50 ml of olive oil per person [18]

146g of potatoes per person each measuring at least 47.3 mm by 29.2 mm by 18.8 mm and no more than 58.5 mm by 34.5 mm by 24.6 mm [8][10]

75g of Brussels Sprouts per person [9]

75g of Carrots or Parsnips per person [10]

125 ml of white wine per person [16]


1 domestic gas or electric oven [11][12]

1 electric whisk [13]

1 large carving knife [14]

1 small peeling knife [15]

Process – Phase 1

First ensure that the turkey is fully defrosted if frozen, this is essential from a health point of view. Please read Regulation (EU) No 1169/2011 of the European Parliament and of the Council [17] first regarding precautions to be taken in defrosting frozen food.

It is then essential to ensure that your turkey complies with all known European regulations, by fully reading the compliance labelling and comparing it with the relevant regulations including the welfare of the animal at slaughter [1]regulations regarding import if from another country [2], and general welfare of the bird [3].

Thoroughly wash the turkey inside and out, insert in the roasting dish and add the Olive Oil, but first ensure that the labelling on the oil does not include any banned additives or flavourings listed in European Parliament and Council Directive No 95/2/EC [18].

Boil a kettle of water after first ensuring your kettle complies with various regulations on electric appliances [13] which the website conveniently lists for you in one place. Mix the stuffing, being very careful with the boiling water and hot stuffing after mixing as it will retain its heat, and then stuff the bird, keeping the thoughts in your head pure as you do.

Now check that your oven complies with European regulations before turning it on. If a gas oven, check the labelling to ensure adherence to The Gas Appliances (Safety) Regulations 1995 [11], which implement Council Directive 2009/142/EC. For electric ovens, check your oven against Commission Directive 2002/40/EC [12] to ensure it is legal for use. If your oven does not comply, call for a gas fitter or electrician immediately to disconnect it for your own health and safety.

Turn the oven on, set to a temperature of 127 degrees Celsius precisely and wait for it to reach that temperature. Calculate the cooking time from the following formula:

Σ 58 minutes 26 seconds + (25 minutes 17 seconds * Weight of Bird in Kg)

Set a timer to ring exactly 34 minutes and 48 seconds prior to the end of this time, and later on we will instruct you what to do at that time.

It is now recommend that you take a break in order to look after your own health and safety before the next phase of the meal. In this time, it may be useful to read some of the further directives you will need for that phase.

Process – Phase 2

Before preparing the vegetables and trimmings, ensure that all the products you have purchased comply with all applicable European Directives:

Now peel and prepare the vegetables, make the sausage meat wrapped in bacon rolls (avoid use of the term “pigs in blankets” to avoid offending pigs or being discriminatory against them) and the Puffed Pudding batter (You may use the term “Yorkshire Pudding” if you reside in that county). The purpose of this recipe is not to tell you how to cook, so refer to a commercial cookbook for practical guidance, the primary purpose of this recipe is to ensure that you comply with all Directives.

When all that is done, ensure you take an adequate rest and refreshment before the final phase.

Process – Phase 3

When the alarm rings, turn up the oven immediately to 207.3 degrees Celsius. Wait for the temperature to stabilise and Reset the alarm to exactly 34 minutes and 48 seconds. Immediately, insert the potatoes, vegetables for roasting, sausage meat wrapped in bacon and Puffed Pudding.  Citizens questioning the wisdom of using the same cooking time, temperature and cooking method are reminded that:

  • The Commission, wherever possible tries to harmonize matters in the interests of equality and a level playing field.
  • Using only one cooking device reduces power consumption and helps combat global warming.

While this food is cooking, prepare the carving knife, cutlery and other serving instruments, first checking that they have been tested in accordance with Standard EUR 23814 EN 2009. Also, before putting it in the fridge to chill, check the labelling of any wine to be used to ensure that it does not contain too much ochratoxin A, as specified in  Commission Directive 2005/5/EC [16].

Once the bell rings, immediately switch off the oven, using oven-proof gloves in accordance with BS6526 (regrettably the Commission has not yet had the time to get around to defining the standard for domestic oven gloves, although industrial gloves are covered under EC directive 89/686) remove the dishes. Taking great care with the carving knife (ensure a First Aid Kit is available that complies with Medical Devices Directive 93/42/EEC as amended by Directive 2007/47/EC) carve the turkey, serve portions of it and the vegetables/trimmings. Any vegetables or trimmings that have been burnt are to be discarded in the cooked food waste bin, as the carbon levels in them may be dangerously high. Ensure that any cooking oil is recycled correctly, ensuring that the waste does not get into the hands of illegal cooking oil recycling criminals.

Be aware that Europol agents will be on duty on Christmas morning, checking randomly on households to ensure full compliance with these regulations. Anyone found contravening any of the regulations may be subject to:

  • Strip searches
  • Full scans of computer hard drives
  • Top to bottom searches of the entire household.

If Europol agents find any subversive material that plots to remove the United Kingdom from the European Union, such as UKIP leaflets (except those in recycling bins) then all the occupants of the households will be arrested for further interrogation later. Be warned that agents are armed, so it is best to avoid drinking any alcohol before the meal, so as to ensure your complete safety in case any Romanian or Greek agents do not fully understand your language.

The European Commission wishes all citizens a Happy, Compliant, Loyal and Obedient Christmas, although in future years, in order to ensure equality of all languages and ethnic groups, the name of the festivity will rotate between the languages of the EU, the year 2015 being scheduled as Weinacht.

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