Ed: we wish all our readers and writers a Happy New Year. We received the following Almanack and wish to share it with you so that you’ll be prepared for the coming twelve months.

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AN ALMANACK FOR THE YEAR OF 2018 FOR THE COMMON PEOPLE OF THESE SCEPTRED ISLES

January

There will be snowstorms, ice, fog and strong winds. Also rain and much grimness. Also monetary calamities. Also much general frightfulness.

Dead Christmas trees will litter the highways and byways.

There will be rumours of changes in yon Party called UKIP.

There will be rumours of a by-election.

Some football will be played. There will be injuries.

Some common people will have to pay huge tribute to the Crown.

The first snowdrops will be sighted. Somewhere.

Robins will be singing.

February

There will be global warming in the form of snow and ice. The life of the common people will grind to a halt.

There will be more global warming in the form of daffodils flowering. The common people of Wales will rejoice.

There will be a rumour of the sighting of the leader of yon Party called UKIP.

Some rugby will be played. There will be injuries.

There will be rumours of Brexit.

Many common people will be felled by frightful sicknesses.

Blackbirds will be singing.

March

There will be much snow, ice, rain, storms and general dreadfulness.

There will me much strife about rumours and counter-rumours on this thing called ‘budget’.

A certain gentleman in Parliament will have a bad time. Or not.

There will be punishment for our beleaguered Sceptred Isles from yon entity called “EU”.

There will be rumours that some awful not-common people will have disclosed state secrets about yon rumoured Brexit.

Some football and some rugby will be played. There will be injuries.

There will be rumours of war and pestilence. Also of disasters affecting money.

The common people will be cursed by having to rise one hour earlier every day.

Cats will be prowling the gardens looking for ‘free food’.

Some birds will be singing early in the morning.

April

Spring will be arriving with snow, rain, gales, some sunshine and much frightfulness.

Some very lucky common people will be seeing what is called ‘apple blossoms’.

There will be rumours of a by-election.

There will be rumours that yon Party called UKIP is calling up their foot soldiers.

There will be fights on the radio, on the telly and in the papers.

There will be new fashions.

More birds will be singing early in the morning.

May

There will be much rain and wind but not much snow. It will be cold. There will be some dreadfulness.

There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth and much rejoicing once the common people have decided whom they like best to lie to them over the next period.

There will be rumours that grandees of yon Party called UKIP have been sighted and even heard from.

There will be more new fashions.

There will be rumours of mad people driving round and round in very fast vehicles to see who is fastest. There will be injuries to said vehicles.

Food for the common people will become very expensive.

Some foxes will be seen roaming the streets of the Capital.

More birds will be singing even earlier in the morning.

June

There will be rumours of summer but there will still be snow, rain, storms and much frightfulness. Also thunderstorms. Also sunshine and showers.

Some things will be growing, some not.

A most powerful lady will be having a very bad time in Parliament.

There will be many more rumours about yon Brexit, to the confusion of all who hear them.

Also to the confusion of the puissant gentlemen talking about yon Brexit.

Also to the confusion of the foreign potentates in yon place called Brussels.

There will be no more football nor rugby. 

There will be some men hitting a ball back and forth to see who is best. Also ladies. There will be injuries.

There will be strong sunshine on select days only and common people will be cowering in their huts and hovels.

Birds will still be singing very early in the morning.

July

There will be sunshine and showers. Also cold days. Also thunderstorms and much dreadfulness.

There will also be very hot days where life as the common people know it will grind to a halt.

There will be rumours that some war has broken out in the waters surrounding these sceptred Isles. Over fish.

There will be more rumours of war generally, somewhere, in places far away.

Some more stuff will be growing everywhere.

Some dogs will have been seen swimming in some rivers. Or lakes. Or puddles.

The old fashions will be given away in yon ritual called ‘sales’.

The birds will have gone on holiday.

August

There will be sunshine and showers and some hotness.

The nation will have gone on holiday. Life as the common people know it will have ground to a halt.

Many common people will be spotted on the beaches surrounding these sceptred isles. Some will be spotted even in the sea.

There will be rumours of a by-election.

The powerful gentlemen and ladies in the Parliament will have gone away.

There will be rumours that yon Party called UKIP is preparing something but nobody will be knowing what.

The potentates in yon place called Brussels will have gone home.

Hordes of foreigners will have invaded the land to harvest whatever has managed to grow.

There will be no birds singing in the morning. There will be rumours that the cats be starving.

September

There will be rain and gales and floods and thunderstorms. Also tornados. Also some hotness and general harrowings.

The common people will be trudging back to their hovels and huts.

There will be rumours that yon Party called UKIP will be holding a great meeting. Somewhere.

There will be rumours that the footfolk of yon Party called UKIP will be revolting.

There will be rumours that the big parties of the not-common people who lie also will be holding great meetings. Somewhere.

Also some very small parties whose people speak funny. Somewhere.

There will be rumours that the footfolk of those big and small parties also will be revolting.

Many people will be travelling back and forth.

There will be much drunkenness and fornication.

There will be rumours of war somewhere in a place far away.

There will be rumours of a big calamity affecting money.

There will be fightings on the radio, on the telly, in the papers.

There will be no birds.

October

There will be snow and fog and much rain. Also some sunshine. And ice. And much dreadfulness.

There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth because traffic on the rails will grind to a halt.

There will be much fighting by the puissant ladies and gentlemen of the government about yon Brexit.

There will be secrets broadcast about traitors.

There will be rumours of a by-election.

The common people will be blessed by gaining a full hour’s sleep every day from now on.

There will be no birds. There will be rumours of cats and foxes fighting in the streets.

November

There will be fog and rain and snow and ice and storms and general frightfulness.

There will be rejoicing by the common people celebrating the death of an ancient traitor with much bonfires and drunkenness and fornication.

There will be more rumours about yon Brexit.

Secret papers will be broadcast both in these Sceptred Isles and in yon place called Brussels. These secret papers will be full of unspeakable things.

There will be wailings in yon place called Whitehall. Also in Parliament. Or not.

There will be no birds.

December

There will be great cold and darkness, snow and ice and storms. Also rain. Also fog. There will be much frightfulness everywhere. And harrowings.

The common people will be freezing in their hovels and huts but will keep buggering on.

There will be much hot air coming from the powerful ladies and gentlemen in the place called Parliament.

A most puissant lady in yon place will have a very bad time. Also a gentleman who tries to be Santa Claus will have a very bad time.

Trees will be taken into hovels and huts.

There will be no cats nor foxes spotted in the streets.

There will be another rumour of yon Brexit.

There will be much drunkenness and fornication in the hovels and huts of the common people. Also in the halls of power. Also in yon place called Brussels.

Everything will grind to a full stop.

There will be sightings of the first robins.

There will be a New Year after all this.

~~~~~ ooo ~~~~~

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