Sounds heard by Larry the cat, dreaming in the Prime Minister’s Office …
Ah! Hello Jacob! Have a seat. Coffee? How are you? Good, and Helen? Excellent!
I’ll come straight to the point – I have invited you first. I want you to be my Chancellor. Good. Now I want you to stop every useless thing that George did and get that damned deficit fixed. EU-related payments can be looked at first. All aid must be cancelled immediately. The one exception I will accept is education, especially where it is in a part of the world where the standards are low. But we must have some control – no free rides. Glad you agree.
Now Jacob, I have the ten top EU-experienced barristers coming tomorrow to discuss the relative benefits of the different procedures for withdrawing from Europe. Please make yourself available for that. They won’t agree with each other, of course, but we need to look at Article 50 but also at revocation of the original treaty. Maybe other options. Then we want to look at mixing and matching the options. We will pick the best of their ideas and avoid any elephant traps.
The reason for this is… and I know you won’t tell anyone else, yes… thank you for that promise! … that I shall be having a meeting with Merkel and Juncker, possibly Tusk as well, next week. No, Hollande is mere deadwood – forget him. I shall simply say the following:
‘Look, we can do things the easy way or the hard way – the choice is yours. We have no reason to be difficult – we do love you all and your wonderful countries. But we need to get our economy going and fast. If you play ball, we can do this without pain. If you, or any awkward state with a different axe to grind, start to make it difficult, we will just walk away. We buy much more from you than you do from us, so it will not be Britain which will suffer. Capisce? Good. I don’t care how you do this but we require your answer in seven days. Yes, you got that right! Whatever you do, we shall start to press buttons then. So I won’t detain you any longer now as you have a lot of work to do. Bye!’
The other thing that I want to do, Jacob, is to double our exports trade in three years, so we can get elected again, then double it again in the next three. There will not be any shortage of employment opportunities and anyone not prepared to work will simply find their benefits cut. So please base your assumptions on that approach.
See you tomorrow. Bye!
Hello! Come in!
Ah! Michael, sit down! Coffee? All OK? Sarah? Great.
Home Secretary for you. OK? Good.
First task is to create an Enabling Act – perhaps two. One relating to EU law and one to all other matters. Minister’s stroke of the pen jobby. Then a list of all the legislation we can throw overboard in the order of priority – anything which costs money, anything which stops small businesses. I want to end up with less than 10% of the current statute law in place, I want a return of Common Law and Equity. Would like to start this in 30 days – or sooner if you can do it. Happy to recall Parliament in the middle of the holidays and not let the bastards go until they have agreed. No problem – it will be passed in record time. Use Maggie’s text as a draft. One repeal per working day will be a great start.
OK? No questions? Great. Oh, I want you on hand for a meeting I have arranged for tomorrow. Tell you about it later.
Oh! Sorry, nearly forgot, there is another thing! I want an act passed next week to make the BBC fee voluntary on the part of the viewer. No, no consultations on this. Everyone in that place who is paid more than me can go out and get real jobs – next week!
Hello! Come in!
Ah! Boris! I have a special role for you which will suit you perfectly. It is a new post which has not yet got a title… I am thinking of ‘Minister for Getting It In’. Right up your street. Come back if you think of some better name – but I won’t have any of that ‘President of the Board of Trade’ rubbish which Heseltine used – statist creep.
You will have a large plane at your disposal and I want you to set off around the world, by the end of this week. See all the heads of state and their merry men, starting with the Commonwealth. Go and see the US too, no, not the Kenyan! The House and the Senate are both hot to trot – we are already at the front of their queue – you had better say ‘line’, they’ll understand that better. All you have to do is tell them ‘Yes’ to everything.
Well, there is only one condition, Boris. No tariffs. At all! The moment they impose one, they are out of the club. Also tell them we only want quality stuff, no dumping and no crap, or we will charge them back. You will be judged on your success. I want exports doubled in three years so we can win the next election – then I want a repeat. Easy, isn’t it?
Take your civil servants with you and you can work out on the plane what the plan is. If they can’t make the tight schedule, choose others. We are not pissing about any more. You must go this week – mind!
Good hunting! Bye!
Hello! Come in!
Ah! Nigel! Thank you so much for coming. How great to see you. Coffee? No, sorry! Cancel that! Beer? Fine! I feel like a pint myself!
I have a job for you – and I want you at a meeting tomorrow, as well. I know you will enjoy the task and I know you will do it better than even my finest. You can have a peerage if you like – it is up to you. You can insist that only people you don’t like use it. You will report directly to me – so no interference from anyone – and you will take charge of negotiations with the EU over our leaving. I think they know you quite well over there…
Ah! Here it comes! Ah! Here it comes! Lovely – look at the head on that! Cheers! – *clink of glasses* …
At this stage, the cat woke up from that lovely dream, decided to have a big stretch, and take another nap…