Spring statement Philip Hammond should have made!

15 – 3 – 18


RIGHT Honourable Members we are here today, with much to congratulate ourselves on, and even more that we shouldn’t and I shall avoid mentioning the latter as in previous years ( Hear  Hear ).

OUR National Debt now stands at £1.7 trillion pounds, thanks to our forward thinking policies – rising at £ 5,317 pounds per second and hence I know this House will join me in thanking the BBC’s National Propaganda Service for its timely attention to the Russo- British Salisbury Spy Scandal.

Bounders.  Hear, Hear!

It has also been a long standing Westminster tradition to obfuscate on the deficit, which Mr Osborne previously assured us he would reduce, but it was £52 billion pounds last year  ( Cheering ) so we are not yet where we need to be, but there is still time if we all pull together .

HYAR  –  Hyar – – Hyar.

BENEFITS –  YES MY FRIENDS  benefit payments  to deserving claimants remain at record levels  Hear  Hear , exceeded only by those to non-eligible recipients and I will not discriminate against the latter,  by reminding the House that the bill for claimants in London alone, exceeds the Defence Budget.

(Well done  –  Rhubarb) 

ALSO – OUR ever tightening of funding for essential services, continues to undermine Tory local government, without significant protest, so thank God the Winter Olympics was able to divert public attention from this, for us ,

Hear – Hear – Quite right- Yaaa  !

I CAN ANNOUNCE :  that the numbers of my Rt. Hon. Members fraudulently claiming expenses has not grown in line with inflation –   but we should not be complacent – and this does not mean that great efforts are not being made to remedy this !

Hyar  Hyar.   

THIS YEAR we can expect to see a large increase in tax revenue from the house building sector and an acceleration of Green Belt destruction, as we step up our drive to house those displaced from our main conurbations by newcomers from : Nigeria, Somalia, Romania, Bulgaria, Poland and Albania, who can fill the high tech job vacancies, so essential to our economic progress.


WE REMAIN committed to the run down of our armed services, — Hear Hear Hear –  Order   in order to pursue the building of some bloody high speed rattler to the bloody God forsaken North and bloody : soon to be independent Scotland – wherever that is ! – at the bloody EU’s behest, which duplicates the East and West Coast Main lines, currently operated at a loss by its franchise holders, despite biblical levels of  subsidy  ….

Rhubarb     Hear  Hear !

THE good news  grrrrr, is that our economy has been much healthier since the bloody electorate poked us Remainers in the bloody eye in 2016 ;   Boo oo oo and saddled us Tories, with the job of pretending we like the idea and we are going to fart about even more in the months ahead just to show ’em  who runs this bloody country ! !

Yeeaaah – tell ’em Phil – the bastards ! – –  






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