Greetings, European Union (EU) citizens and believers in me and our great EU project in the former United Kingdom, may you have a festive event in accordance with our EU Directives, in furtherance of our EU aims and EU solidarity!

 As you know, I am your supreme leader, Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the EU Commission. I wrote to you this time last year, before your former Prime Minister let us all down by calling and then losing the BREXIT Referendum, and then failed to correct his mistake by calling another one; no goodies or rich pickings for him!

I am very cross with him and all those naughty voters who misbehaved this last year. It has left me in an embarrassing situation while my team find other ways of making (the former) UK stay and give us loads of money. So all you naughty voters, I have not forgotten!!

But for all you good EU true-believers and Remain voters, you’ll be pleased to know that this silly BREXIT Referendum is something we can all ignore and you can continue to be a happy member of our project!

We are steadily advancing with imaginative plans to continue as before, building our dream of uniting EU citizens under an EU government (whether they like it or not). We love rules and so will you, rules to control whatever should be controlled at a European level, such as what you do and think every day.

As last year, I highly recommend my seasonal EU, in solidarity, reading this year: Franz Kafka’s The Castle, which I hope will be an industrious inspiration to my team who haven’t read it already.  We are really looking forward to taking more responsibilities, control and money – my EU Army, my EU border force, my EU financial regulation, my EU food agency, my EU transport agency, my EU justice agency, my EU energy agency, my EU information agency, my EU tax agency, my EU education agency, my EU thought agency.  I don’t know where to stop, so I won’t.  The more we do, homogenise and homologate the happier everyone will be; that is our wonderful way.  

And we will be using much more of everyone’s money to do all the things we want to, which true believing Europeans in your member state will, of course, give us because your economy is doing so well – borrowing, spending and wasting really works.

Alas, things in the rest of the EU are not so good despite our efforts. It has been a difficult year made worse by silly BREXIT voters, but things are coming better because of our EU solidarity, and because we have ways of making you stay.

I and my team have been working hard with Iron Chancellor More Arriving Daily ‘Mutti’ Merkel to resolve the migration problem, financial crises, poor economic growth and naughty behaviour by voters. Unfortunately you and your region of the EU have not been doing enough to help; instead you BREXIT voters are really naughty.

I take this opportunity to raise the various comments made about me during my previous jobs in my political career in a small country at the heart of Europe. These comments are not helpful! We must all work hard and help our big corporations, government agencies and others with lobbying access to help themselves!

Now I must get back to my EU-gravy train which this year will deliver me, my friends, my team and all the other EU-friends another even bigger bumper celebration. We will all have a prosperous EU New Year, and I would like to wish all good EU loyalists the same, but for those naughty voters, BREXIT means you stay in the EU after all.  Ho, Ho Ho to EU too.

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