Greetings, European Union (EU) citizens of the former United Kingdom. May you have a festive event in accordance with our EU Directives, in furtherance of our EU aims and EU solidarity.
As you know, I am your supreme leader, Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the EU Commission. Your Prime Minister and government work for me and my team. They give us your money whenever we want it (an extra £1.7 billion recently because you are thriving, or was it more?) and you obey our rules (also called EU Directives). These days I’m pleased to report that 75% of your laws are actually our rules (devised in secret by my team and EU-approved rubber-stamped by the EU Parliament).
You’ll be pleased to know that once this silly referendum to continue to be a happy member of our project is out of the way we have imaginative plans to continue as before building our dream of uniting EU citizens under an EU government (whether they like it or not). We love rules and so will you, rules to control whatever should be controlled at a European level, such as what you do and think every day. And I highly recommend my seasonal EU, in solidarity, reading this year Franz Kafka’sThe Castle which I hope will be an industrious inspiration to my team who haven’t read it already. We are really looking forward to working with Mr Cameron as we take more responsibilities, control and money – my EU Army, my EU border force, my EU financial regulation, my EU food agency, my EU transport agency, my EU justice agency, my EU energy agency, my EU information agency, my EU tax agency, my EU education agency, my EU thought agency. I don’t know where to stop, so I won’t. The more we homogenise and homologate, the happier everyone will be; that is our way.
And we will need lots more of your money to do all the things we want to, which Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne will, of course, give us because your economy is doing so well – borrowing, spending and wasting really works. Alas, things in the rest of the EU are not so good despite our efforts. It has been a difficult year, but things are coming better because of our EU solidarity. I and my team have been working hard with Iron Chancellor More Arriving Daily ‘Mutti’ Merkel to resolve this migration problem. Unfortunately you and your region of the EU have not been doing enough. So next year I will be demanding that you open your borders and wallets or I will compel you to, using the full force of infraction proceedings in the ECJ (that means taking action in the European Court of Justice for those of you too simple to govern yourselves).
I take this opportunity to raise the various comments made about me during my previous jobs in my political career in a small country at the heart of Europe. These comments are not helpful. We must all work hard and help our big corporations, government agencies and others with lobbying access to help themselves.
Now I must get back to my EU gravy-train which this year will deliver me, my friends, my team and all the other EU-friends a bumper celebration. We will all have a prosperous EU New Year, and I would like to wish you the same, but only if you continue to work for us, obey us, pay our taxes and don’t complain.