‘Is that the police?’
‘Yes. 101 call centre here, how may I direct your call?’
‘Dunno mate but there’s a bit of a kerfuffle going on off the Isle of Wight …’
‘Can I stop you there, kerfuffle is not a word we allow to be used, it could be discriminatory or even a hate word. I will have to ask officers to call and make an appointment to speak to you about your choice of words and any incident .’
‘No. No that’s no use, this looks dangerous out there’
‘Oh, dangerous you say, first make sure you are in a safe place. You are? Well in that case I can redirect your call the H.M Coastguard.’
***
‘Hello Coast Guard, it looks like there is a problem with a super tanker off the IOW!’
‘Yes, don’t worry, Sir, we have it hand. We’ve sent a rescue helicopter out to take a look’
‘It doesn’t need rescuing it’s going around in circles.‘
‘Yes, we are aware of that, thank you for your call.’
***
‘Hello, is that the National TV News Desk?’
‘Well no, not actually, we are all working from home at the moment, ok?‘
‘Well I dunno if you know but there’s a super tanker in distress off the Isle of Wight, the Captain made a radio call and says he’s in danger as stowaways have taken control and everybody is locked in a safe room.’
‘O.K leave it with me I’ll contact the government agencies and find out what’s going on’.
***
‘Hello, is that …’
‘Department of Transport P.R. team, may I help?’
‘Yes, National T.V News desk here, what do you know about this tanker in distress off the Isle of Wight?’
‘Nothing mate, nothing to do with us – have you tried the Coast Guard H.Q?’
‘Yes, but they say it’s nothing to do with them, they only do rescue operations,.’
‘Oh, try Plod, it’s in Hampshire, they will know what to do.’
‘Tried that, mate they are all in a strategy meeting about enforcing Covid guidance.’
‘Well in that case try the Home Office.’
***
‘Hello Home Office, this tanker that’s in trouble in the Channel … What do you mean what channel, you know – the English Channel …’
‘Can I stop you there, it’s nothing to do with us, we only deal with migrants who have arrived in boats here. Try the Foreign Office.’
***
‘Hello Foreign Office ….’
‘Not us mate, try the cabinet office or failing that the MoD’.
***
‘Hello M.O.D police, there’s a super tanker been taken over in the English Channel by stowaways.’
‘Nothing to do with us we only deal with terror incidents not stowaways, stowaways are the responsibility of the civil police, not us. You could try the Cabinet Office there are 7000 of them there, if they are not still working from home, somebody will know what to do.’
***
‘Cabinet Office….. yes we know, thanks. A Covid Marshal on the IoW told a Community Support Officer who told the police safer neighbourhood team and they reported it to us, we’re trying to locate the P.M. but he’s in a top level meeting about free school meals at the moment and can’t be disturbed, but Dominic C is around somewhere I’ll tell him …’
***
‘Hi Dom, Annabel here, from the Cabinet, yes, yes, remember me now – good, look there’s a little prob with a super tanker in the English Channel. Yes Dom, I’ve tried Priti, and Gavin, and Grant and it’s nothing to do with them apparently. Dominic R wants to send in the Special Boat Service and so does Ben, but the problem is the only local operational frigates only run in cold water or is it warm water? I forget and, in any case, they are still tied up somewhere. He’s not sure about the Special Boat Service because they are training in Wales this week and that Dripfort bloke or whatever his name is has locked Wales down and closed the borders, and in any case after your review we didn’t know if we still had any operational …’
‘Ok. Right. Will do.’
***
‘Hello Navy, this is the Cabinet Office here. Can you send a frigate and some blokes and deal with that tanker problem in the English Channel? I’ve had a quick word with everybody and the PM said he wants it sorted ASAP before the French find out and think we can’t handle it and try it on over the illegals in the dinghies. And what if they think in a ‘no deal’ we couldn’t defend our fishing boats …. Yes …. Me too. Thanks for your help’.
***
‘Over now to our English Channel Correspondent working from the safety of his home in Birmingham. Alistair – what’s the latest position regarding the stowaways taking over the super tanker?’
‘Well, difficult to say really, Martin, but what I’ve gathered from sources on ‘WhatsApp’ and Instagram it looks as if the combined sources of U.K Border Force, H.M Coastguard, and the Police Air Arm didn’t work, so some bloke called Nigel hired a fishing boat to go and take a close look himself, took some film and sent it to the Cabinet Office. Dom Raab got involved and sent in the Special Boat Service who sorted the incident in less than 10 minutes. Apparently it could have been over even quicker than that, but the operation was slowed down by the inclusion of Human Rights Lawyers who wanted assurance that the terrorists – sorry stowaways – would receive a warm welcome when landed in a port of their choice and five star accommodation befitting the terrible ordeal they had just been through. Now back to you in the studio.’
‘Thank you Alistair, we have contacted the Department for Trade and asked what the tanker was carrying and were reassured by a spokesperson that the crew and cargo were safe. And now in further news …’
Photo by Jannis_V 
YOU COULD NOT PUT IT BETTER WHAT A SHOWER OF S–T WE HAVE , NO ONE CAN MAKE A DECISION NEED AT LEAST 6 SO NO ONE IS TO BLAME. THEY COULD NO LET THE AIR OUT OF A BALLOON WITH OUT HELP. THE POLICE AND BORDER FORCE ARE JUST AS BAD. NOT FIT FOR PURPOSE, THEY MAY AS WELL CLEAN THE STREET, MIGHT GET THEM SOME RESPECT.
I didn’t realise this was a true story until I read Norman’s account of this attempted barefaced invasion of our shores.
More like an episode from “Yes Minister”
Please Norman continue your forensic reporting of real events rather than giving us that Wold guff of the ordinary lives of country folk.
Stiring tales of daring do from the briney are welcomed by we old salts.
(Thanks Norman I have never laughed so much in years (nor cried) but as an ex MN mariner sailing to West Africa, any news involving Lagos is welcome)
Actually I like hearing from the Wold too. Thank you Norman.
Yes I do too Lisa in fact I was there at Long Compton the other week and in fact I lived there for a few years back in the 1950s
From your factual round up, it appears someone needs to be fired for deriliction of duty.
No Risk Assessment and no references to the guru Elphin Savety. Just getting the RA committee together would have taken a week or longer. Then there is steering group, committee to get more info, feasibility committee, rescources allocation committee, Joint Implementation Team, and . . well, there is no way this could have been carried out in one day, let alone the time it took to usher the illegals into the country.
The local weatherman looks like a likely candidate.
Never a truer word spoken in jest. I could weep.
7000 in the cabinet office..! ?.. Mind you, it makes sense. where else would you put em ?. The Black Hole of No 10.
T.G, It’s even more according to Wiki, ‘just under 8000’ ‘Some work in Whitehall and as far as I can see 550 in the ‘Office of the Prime Minister’ The civil service which increased this year by 10.930 up to March now apparently numbers 456.410 in total! By contrast there are about 80.000 people in the Army.
Thank you Norman. Well done. I did laugh but it is no laughing matter is it Those figures you’ve just given speak for themselves and underline the point of your article.
456.410 of mostly useless troughers; simply amazing. How about conscripting 450,000 of them and making the rest of them work for a living.