It’s performance review time at the MWT workplace so everyone is requesting feedback from each other. As it’s a slow, wet Friday afternoon, for a laugh I found an automatic performance review feedback generator and sent a couple of colleagues a fake review using it (we geeks are easily amused.) One got sent a ‘perfect’ level review for all the numerous criteria and the other a ‘worst’ level one. What astonished me was the auto-generated worst level review described almost to a T the performance in office for the last year of our thankfully former Prime Minister. Read the tongue-in-cheek report below – do you agree?
Performance review for Treason Maybotch:
Gives up and accepts defeat after even a minor setback. Lowers the morale of all around. Strongly individualistic and will not work with other people. Treason Maybotch refuses to do anything that might involve physical risk or danger – and sees danger at every turn.
Aggressive and difficult. Treason Maybotch regularly takes issue with colleagues and is not popular. Responds badly to instructions and will not carry out a task or assignment unless it is demanded. Likely to demotivate others. Treason Maybotch is weak and vacillating. Always agrees with the other party and cannot maintain or defend her own position. Treason Maybotch hates problems and will do everything possible to avoid them. Reacts negatively and pessimistically in the face of problems and is unable to deal with the situation, even when supported by others.
Treason Maybotch becomes resentful when others criticise. Does not learn from criticism and carries on behaving exactly as before. Always indecisive and muddled – incapable of reaching a firm decision, and this has created serious problems in the past six months. Leaves the responsibility for decision making to others … and should probably continue to do so. Appearance and dress are totally unsuitable for the job.
Treason Maybotch is unable to apply professional experience and/or knowledge of people to forecast outcomes with any degree of accuracy. Her forecasts are correct less than 30% of the time. Completely unsuited for public speaking. Nervous, loses track of topic, and unstructured, Treason Maybotch fails to engage with her audience. Refuses to entrust work to others in the team and always tries to do everything alone – nobody else is empowered. Or passes the whole job to the team and takes no part at all. Less than 50% of tasks are completed on time or to a good standard.
Does not understand the importance of confidentiality and has given away private or sensitive information that can potentially damage a business or an individual. Unsuited for contact with other people because of chronic fear of new situations. Or someone whose surly aggression drives others away. Work performance is at an inadequate level and Treason Maybotch is taking no steps to improve. She does not check work and has no sense of pride in performance. Treason Maybotch is incapable of doing the job at all without almost constant supervision.
Incapable of planning a job and always reacts spontaneously. Any plans written are badly structured and not followed. Treason Maybotch doesn’t put across ideas well. Either doesn’t make an impression at all, or others find explanations confusing. Also takes no notice whatsoever of the contributions of others. Constantly ignores the motivations and feelings of others, and is totally unsuited for sensitive negotiations.
Has not produced a new idea, plan, product or method in the past six months. When faced with a set of data, Treason Maybotch is completely unable to organise it or draw conclusions. Impolite, ill-mannered and brusque. Sometimes others might find it amusing, but there have been several occasions in the last six months when colleagues or customers have been upset by her lack of politeness and respect.
Treason Maybotch hates negotiation and leaves it up to others to fight for the best deal. Frailty or repeated injury or sickness makes this person completely unsuited for a physically demanding job. In the current period, slipshod work by Treason Maybotch has been presented with serious inaccuracies, putting the business at risk. Work is a low priority for Treason Maybotch. Keeping the job – or losing it – is of no concern to her.
In all situations Treason Maybotch finds it difficult to focus on the task in hand. Low boredom threshold. She produces work that’s consistently poor. Steers clear of anything intellectually demanding. Not at all interested in dealing with unfamiliar ideas and concepts.
Treason Maybotch refuses to carry out tasks outside the job description or requiring extra work. Always carries out duties haphazardly, without regard to priority or sequence. She is often found to be spending too long on the wrong thing, and frequently completes assignments late. Not at all interested in the world beyond self, or digging below the surface. She takes everything at face value and accepts the status quo without question. Shows no inclination to lead, or tries to lead but completely fails to win the respect and support of the team.
Very slow and incapable of meeting deadlines and completing work in a reasonable period of time. Pays no heed to instructions, preferring to set her own agenda. Panics and gets flustered when an emergency arises.
Just her, don’t you think?